Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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