Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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