Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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