If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
