my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
