I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
