Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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