My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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