How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
