Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize