I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize