His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
