I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
