You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
