i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
