1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
