he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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