walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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