i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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