Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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