I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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