What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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