I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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