Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
