The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
