my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I look better un-naked...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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