my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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