Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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