Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
