Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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