If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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