I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
