If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
