she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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