yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
