I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize