I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
They took my balls.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize