My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I will pee on everything he values.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
