I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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