I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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