one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
