i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
