the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
