So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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