Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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