I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
