Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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