Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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