She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize