My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
