I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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