guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
