my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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