I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
