Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
