I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
