Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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