As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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