I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
