eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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