i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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