Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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