I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
