Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
