Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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