That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
