dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
