I am midnight drunk by noon
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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