I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
