I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Randomize
