and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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