he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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